From the darkest corners of OomPaul laboratories
have emerged the pipes
that ugly could not contain.
Each one, a...
WARNING: Viewing detailed photos of these pipes on an empty stomach is considered safe, however, view them only peripherally if you have eaten in the past two hours. Wearing sunglasses may protect you from adverse affects, such as uncontrolled sobbing or general malaise.
Profoundly acute engineering...Beautiful, soft shapes...Precision crafting...All of these descriptions have been rejected and then eaten by each Monstrosity pipe.
View Monstrosities for Adoption
Testimonials
Scary, scary, scary!
—Mark Tinsky, Great American Pipecarver
Owner and Operator of American Smoking Pipe Company
I come from a long line of ugly people. For hundreds of generations we've maintained a repulsiveness gene that should have kept us from reproducing long ago, yet we persevere. I typically have to wear a blindfold to shave in the mirror mornings. My brother was once accosted by an anthropologist demanding a DNA sample, convinced that he'd found proof that neandertals had once interbred with homo sapiens. When I was a kid, my family was in much demand by local farmers because we could kill all the weeds in a field just by picnicking there. So when I've said in the past that I know what ugly is, I've always been confident about it—until now, that is.
With these pipes, Olie Sylvester has confounded even my advanced ability to calibrate ugliness. These are off-the-scale ugly. I find it difficult to believe they are even smokable, as any self-respecting tobacco would leap from the bowls before permitting ignition.
These pipes are a blight on the landscape of pipe smoking and must be destroyed at once, though I'm not sure how. Fire would extinguish itself in a defensive gesture before they could be consumed, and any saw blade or grinder would stop dead of shock before damage could be done. Perhaps they could be locked in a tomb and buried with dire warnings and curses. I don't know; maybe one day science will find a method for destroying such ugliness at the molecular level, but until that day comes, we're all in danger.
—Chuck Stanion, Editor in Chief
Pipes and Tobaccos Magazine
No animated mandrake, no alchemical homunculus, nor any vision of Zosimos has anything over these Monstrosities. Please, pay Olie's graft promptly. Adopt one now, and lock it securely - SECURELY - in a deep underground vault. Truly. Before it's too late. Do your part to prevent Olie's evil from being visited yet further upon the world.
—Greg Pease
G.L. Pease Tobacco
I just took a look at your creations, Olie. I am speechless... Oops, there went my lunch!
—Steve Fallon a/k/a/ Pipestud
Leave it to someone as creative as Olie to come up with something new and revolutionary. He carves with his feet! These foot carved classics are sure to make a heel of a splash in the Pipe World!
—Will Purdy
Great American Pipecarver
www.willpurdy.com
I adopted a Monstrosity even though I was concerned how it would fit into my rotation. That worked out easier than I thought. It escaped its cage on the first night, and ate the rest of my collection!
—Scott E. Thile
Great American Pipecarver
S.E.THILE Handmade Pipes
Sysop for Pipedia, the wiki for pipes
I've owned worse. I've smoked worse. But I'm old and not afraid to meet my makers.
—Bill Unger
Secretary/Treasurer NASPC
It's 2:30 in the morning. I'm already having trouble sleeping, but after laying eyes on Urchin I've decided I better not sleep. If you're up, can you tell me if Urchin is in his cage right now? Please, throw me a bone, Olie! Please...put Urchin in his cage.
—Steven Fowler
Member Atlanta Pipe Club
Check out the YouTube video by the Professor MDG.
Olie, Don't let anyone get you down about the look of your pipes... sure they're ugly, but how many people are actually capable of work of this quality? Not many I'm sure! It is easy to seethe jealousy of some hidden within their comments, they only wish they could create the pipes(?) that you give birth to... and you make it look so effortless!
I'd gladly adopt one, however, they are a bit large for my personal taste...especially since I started losing teeth. They are indeed beautiful in their own way, show your respectful understanding of the craft, and represent a very solid first effort. I for one am excited for you as you flex your creative muscles and enter the pipe making arena. You should be proud of your accomplishments.
—Paul Bonacquisti
Great American carver
PS - Instead of the agreed upon free custom pipe for the above testimonial, just send cash. Not that the free pipe wouldn't be more than adequate compensation, it would of course, I just have alot of pipes... and find myself smoking more cigars these days.
PPS - Please don't forget to snip the PS comments above.
PPPS - If you want to send cigars instead of cash, I like Opus X and Ashton VSGs.
All of my life I have been a fugly oversized outcast who is still lovable despite my exterior details. It is for this reason that I feel that I share a connection with Bilious Tortoise. I think he has been greatly misunderstood and that deep inside that craggy plateaux lies a stunning straight-grained smoking machine eagerly awaiting some tobacco to incinerate. I thank you for your creation and know that it will have a good loving home.
—Jimmy Muraco, collector and author of Straightgrain blog
The wee beasties make me queasy. Still, there's nothing wrong with any of these that forty hours of carving couldn't fix...
—Trever Talbert
From the far reaches of the pipemaking universe has come this collection of derelict Monstrosities!Their like has never before been observed in the grand halls of pipe shows nor the expanses of hooks, racks, and stands in the collector’s domain. The dormant creatures will awaken if they remain in such close proximity to their brethren! Please help the Pipe Butcher separate them! Keep the pipe world safe!
—Jeffrey Burt-Gracik
Great American carver
Apparently Olie did not take any notes at the last pipe making seminar. I am in the process of building a secure room where I can house one of these hideous creatures and then I will try to slow nurture it back to health.
—Kirk Bosi
Great American carver
An abomination, that's what these are! Sylvester should be flogged!
—John Offerdahl, MLS
Co-Founder, Chimera Pipes
Moderator, Yahoo Pipesmokers2
Secretary, Atlanta Pipe Club
Gentleman and Scholar
Having been accused of working the briar with a hatchet and saw, bits chiseled with rocks and boring the chamber with toenails, the appreciation I have for these pipes is boundless. The care toward symmetry, detail and originality leaves my bowels emptied. I have only seen symmetry that would be comparable in animal droppings.
Olie is on the cutting edge and gone where the master carvers would fear to tread. His artistry is "next generation" and I'm certain that, when they hit the secondary market, they will have true investment value.
I have garnered an admiration for these pipes, but dare not try recreating even "Heart of Troll". I simply can't work with a hammer and chisel, nor blindfolded.
My hat is off to you and your Picasoesque creations.
To heck with a Bo, gimme an "O".
—Bruce A. Weaver
Great American carver
Wonderful stuff! This man is the Stephen King of pipe making.
—Rad Davis
Great American carver
The Monstosity brand of pipes that you're currently scalping are among the most grossly disfigured hunks of briar that I've ever personally seen! They are truly the "Elephant Man" of the pipe world! If they still did the freak shows on Coney Island, a knife swallowing bearded woman would likely pull back a red velvet sheet on these creations while the crowd assembled would gasp in absolute horror!
—Dock Perry
pipe collector
I have alerted the FBI, CIA, IRS, AFL-CIO, Mensa, Knights of Columbus, NRA, Boy Scouts, Masons, local police departments, and the local hockey team to be on the lookout for these terrible monstrosities. There is no way these ornery creatures should be loosed on the public. If seen in my area they will be hunted down like the ugly trolls they are, and be given a proper burial for vampires.
—Lee von Erck
Great American carver
I knew from reading your newsletters that there was a screw loose somewhere but now I'm convinced that the loose screws are the ones on either side of your neck.
—Nelson Pidgeon
SHPC Gazette
You know, his father was a butcher. That explains a lot.
—Count Clint von Gal